My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
