If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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