I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
