I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
