If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
