wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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