My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I want you more than these girls want KFC
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
