Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
