Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
