george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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