I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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