Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
