Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
