I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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