Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
