So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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