Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
