Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
