she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize