I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
