News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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