So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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