Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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