when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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