I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
