My Higher Power is John Stamos
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
