Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
