You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
