im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
