When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
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Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize