fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
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Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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