I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
