If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
