He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
