i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
