well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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