Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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