i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
