Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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