No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
