My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
my poor anus
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
