thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
