sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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