You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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