So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
