Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
