You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
