I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
