I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
