Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
