I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
