I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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