I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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