Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
