My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
