if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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