So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
