Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
